[Written: 2025-01-22]

The medication makes me feel as if floating through time and space, somehow detached from both. I feel only capable of letting people down. Tired, and tired of being tired, haunted by memories, mementoes, loss, grief, love and warmth. I struggle to motivate, to stand, to focus, to justify (myself and my position), and to tell myself I deserve my life.

I go to sleep dreaming of the memories of my day, not sure if the entirety of my life is just caught in an infinite cause and effect chain, if the pain I feel is propagating through me to my family and people close to me, and on some level the world. And what damage is being rendered in them because of this.

It’s a hard enough life for all, I don’t want it to be affected by the knowledge of how easy it is for my mind to be filled with doom and gloom. But, maybe just as equally, I don’t want them to be caught off guard by the lack of knowledge of it. My catch 22.