2024-08-16

I have often felt suspended in the world in manner that others don’t visually appear to be. It feels the same as a dew drop suspended in a spiders web on a spring morning, not having any hands to grab onto anything (metaphorically speaking) and not knowing if I will lose my adhesion and go crashing down to the earth at any moment . No matter how much I try; I cannot seem to steer my life in any way that would appear meaningful. I seem to be there just to be part of the scenery, and maybe to bring the incy wincy spider some hydration. I don’t even feel I make as much impact as that dew drop, bring the much needed water of life to the small spider, which in turn rids our world of some of those buzzing flies.

The way that this laterally relates to my life now that I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar is because I didn’t choose to have this mental condition, I struggle to be heard about what I need to stabilise my circumstances and what I want to be understood by others of how it is from my perspective.

It feels as if watching a movie with yours truly as the main star; but everyone else have been given their scripts; yet I have not. I naturally hang on to any piece of gravity to pull me back to earth (in this case adhesion to the web) so that I can maybe analyse understand the bigger picture and help out in any way I can as the Doctors; NHS staff; my wife; my family; and my friends all seem to be the desperate ones that need some sort of help.

I understand what my Doctors, NHS staff, my wife, family and friends all are saying; and I understand their viewpoints also; and I even agree with them on the most part. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why am I in this position. I am no different to any of them, but I stuck being batted from one person to another like a particle of the Gods that changes my own perception of me.

What I find extremely difficult too is the fact that I know all that we are is only borrowed, from property, to loved ones, family and even pain – when we go in the ground that is not ours any more. I share what I am willingly, I share it gladly, but it still feels like it is taken by sheer and unnecessary brutality.

I know that we as a human race, and the rest of life on the planet to would be no where; or heading straight to oblivion without Doctors, NHS staff, family, friends, distractions, and in my case my wife; I know that I cannot recreate what they do and who they are, or change it; nor would I want to. And I understand they play a crucial role in not just my life, but the lives of many. I just struggle to understand why life has to feel, so painful sometimes, and why am I / we (other people with mental health) seemingly the only ones who feel that other people are slamming their burdens on us and being told that we are the ones with the misconceptions; and the only ones that it is acceptable to say “you have this wrong” to.

I lose myself, my identity, my goals, my direction in life by being defined as different by others; even though in my eyes we are fundamentally the same.

I do know that I am not alone though; my little part of the universe is rearranging and others are teaching and reminding me I am not alone. They do this by giving me support to feel my bearings; tasks to focus the mind; time to heal; space to grow; love to protect; people to help with loneliness; and conversation to explore how infinite our worlds are – and how easy it is to change our points of view to a better one.

And at least the dew drop adds to the beauty of the image of the incy spider spinning it’s web.