2024-08-23

Now I reach my half life, my half expected lifespan, my apparent mid-life crisis I find myself feeling incomplete. I do not know why, can’t understand it or justify it. I have a beautiful wife, a supportive family, I am lucky enough to receive exception care from the NHS, yet still I seek for more, for more clarity, for more understanding, to catch what I once lost, to delicately hold the things I know I could never obtain.

The void in my life turns into a treasure to seek; it gains life; a voice in my head that is watching and listening with every interaction I have; guiding me, diverting me, holding me back like a damn holding a tremendous force of water.

The voice in the void links me to what I want to be; and what I should be; what people are; and the infinite possibilities they could be. I cannot guide myself any further; I have reached my limits – it feels like I have come to the wall at the edge of the universe; and it has not got enough room to contain me leaving me feel confined and claustrophobic.

As I lean into you, I start to lean into myself and I begin to wonder – how many of my steps where controlled by me; and how many you. And what does it look like from your side? It’s like you take half of my consciousness, my being, and I yield to it willingly. I lean to the wonder, the awe, the sheer joy I get from you fuelling my philocalist side.

I’m not sure how much of me is left in here, but I am glad to be comforted by the belief that what I am may help you survive; even if this version of me does not. I lay my words to the the world again tonight; and see if it will rearrange again and bring me back a different part of me, a different version of me that we can both be happy with.

I am not sure if I mean both of us (whoever either of us are) or the world and I or you and the world; but I don’t need to know now.