[Written: 2024-12-23]

This is my hundredth post, so I thought I’d share how I view myself , and I know it is difficult to analyse your own brain, but I want to give it a try.

Firstly, I’ll talk about disinhibition. It is a word I only discovered recently, but it holds quite a large amount of resonance with how a feel all too often.

Some days, given the right circumstances and right company, I speak in vast quantities of metaphors, so much so that it can only seem like I and completely mentally derailed and it hurts my own head. For example, I will talk about angels or at least use the word out of the blue and in fragile circumstances, all because I think I need to and if I don’t, the people I’m talking to may come be into danger. At the same time I will have a scientific explanation for the current state of affairs. And at the same time, I will state and believe that a scientific explanation is as likely as divine intervention or spiritual connection to earth are equally as likely, and can all be working in tandem or as different sides of the same coin.

It’s like I can feel so normal, then when I start a conversation I go straight in at the deep end, and I have to adjust my seemingly contradictory beliefs to suit and/or balance the ones that are already present.

Secondly, Aphasia. Using so many metaphors seems to be a coping mechanism of which I find myself almost defaulting to of late. It’s either that or saying nothing at all. So my language seems aphasic or broken, and I can understand that. I find writing it down easier, because in some conversations, especially ones with friends or family brought up about my mental health and how I can easily solve my mood or habits, well they make me feel backed into a corner.

It’s a learning curve for me and them as I understand now, I didn’t realise how hard it is to understand from an outside point of view, even with people quite close to you, because there is so much going on.

There’s medication, that can sedate you, make your thinking speed slower, slow down your metabolism, make you put on weight and countless other side effects to consider.

And the emotional trauma or PTSD that is being processed, which you haven’t found the words to explain to others yet, and they have to be patient and endure sometimes erratic behaviour whilst you do.

But, being bi polar can feel very much like being swung between disinhibition (sharing too many wild ideas or metaphors in my case) and aphasia (struggle to communicate (because I can’t understand why the other person/people don’t understand)). This is what it’s like being bipolar, and these are the two best words that I could find to explain the extremities of both ends of the bi polar spectrum that we cycle through in relatively short cycles. I hope this can help you to understand what we go through.

Anyway, seasons greetings to all!