2024-08-07

It is said that you are only truly free when you lose everything. This is true. You also gain everything; in the form of yourself, true family and friends.

Now we have a conundrum: We have have lost everything that we thought centred us and are grieving for it – And now we have had to open our minds to centre around everyone else, whilst we are still grieving our loss/es.

We seem to have been told we are not important, but everybody else is. And now the good and the bad that happens and has happened must happened by design (this is the only thing that makes sense to me if everybody else is right, as it can’t by myself that’s right and everybody else being wrong and everybody else wrong and me right at the same time).

-I know this is far fetched, but I am just trying to design a thought experiment to help me process the thoughts in my head, so lets say this is the case.

If so, this makes it hard to know what type of people I like / don’t like, what food I want to eat, what movie or even television program to watch as my whole way of thinking has been turned on it’s head and I have to second guess everything that I do. It even gets to the point where I can’t decide if I am happy or not.

Here, could you decide if you have sunk to the bottom of an infinitely dark ocean, or climbed to the summit on a new mountain of unprecedented heights? This is how my bi-polar brains work, flipping sometimes from the top to the bottom and vice versa at the drop of a hat.

This new knowledge (at least to me) of knowing how knowledge changes can seem overwhelming at first, but it is also very exciting.

But, I wonder what tomorrow will bring, and I look forward to finding out too.

Even with the loss of loss, with everything accounted for, we still have that loss, that whole in our knowledge / lives / world that needs to be filled.

It is what we want and need to move forward, even if a perfect world is possible, we still move forward as we are not quite complete – the same way as we do in our “imperfect” world. Not knowing has never felt so amazing to me, either way, we push onwards together, and maybe meet somewhere near the middle.