2024-07-23

I came to realise (after being pointed out with perfect timing – thanks MoBear x) that I often forget to mention the most crucial person in life in my posts. I feel this may be as I am subconsciously trying to make my situation feel impersonal to me. The reasons for this being are firstly so, that others can relate. Secondly, so I can try to view myself as another person and troubleshoot where I am going wrong and gain clearer perspective. In this post I will rectify some of my mistake.

My wife Gemma; the GemStone that powers and fuels my heart and will to live; The BumbleG who might as well teleport through space, time and existence to be right where I need her when I feel unnatural on Earth and all the magical BumbleBee’s carrying love have or are vanishing from earth along with us humans when we seem to lack our humanity and all that remains is a man made concrete jungle filled with the deserts of our (my) own mind(s).

NB: BumbleG and BumbleBee are nicknames that I call my wife, and the same for GemStone, but I think that’s more obvious.

For all the pain she suffers helping everyone around her and the children is in care of (she is a Nursery Manager of a successful nursery with an exceptional reputation, which takes pride in helping many children with disabilities and disadvantages, too) she doesn’t really deserve to have to care for a 41 year old man child who is incapable of surviving in this world on his own.

I will be the first to admit that life doesn’t make sense to me a lot of the time, and I easily blame my situation on a chain of events that there were no better possible moves that I could have made at the time. And I will also be the first to admit that a lot of these events that led me to this point I too often blame or make my beautiful and strong Angelic wife take credit – or more so, share the burden of blame – for when I / we are hit low points.

I don’t know a stronger woman or person in this world, real or imagined, mythical or historical, and I don’t know a single person who would have put up with my shit for even a percentage of the time that she has.

Before Gemma, I had resigned myself to never flying again, taking the shoelace express as my only affordable mode of transport, and always renting for however long my ticket allowed on this planet. And I didn’t believe for the life of me that I was capable or suitable of a long term relationship.

During our relationship, we have been on a bit over one trip abroad for every year of the 16 years that we have been together; we have had 5 cars between us as (of yesterday, thanks to my brother Luke for helping his older brother out massively during my (and Gemma’s) time of need), and owned 2 properties.

She has shown me wonderous things, held my head when I wept, shared her love with me when I was barely able to do any of this for myself, let alone reciprocate.

I can only say, I love you Gemma, I don’t deserve you, but thank you for being there for me. – xx xcxvx xx –